Sep 5, 2012

When the Love isn't there

For as long as I can remember I have dreamed about adoption.  As a child I drew pictures depicting adoption.  I read anything I could find on adoption.  I wrote essay's trying to convince my parents to adopt.  I begged and pleaded with my parents, promising them I would even give up my bed if we adopted.  Serious, we have the papers to prove that statement.  I was very odd.  Eventually I realized that adoption was not going to happen for my family, no matter how long and hard I pleaded.  I resigned myself to that fact and turned my attention else where.  So when my family actually did start the adoption process in 2010 I was blown away.  Only God.  My biggest dream was coming true.  I.could.not.have.been.happier.

After all the praying and pleading it was no surprise to me when I fell instantly in love with my new sister.  she was here.  Finally.  She had stolen pieces of my heart before I even knew who she was, and the moment I finally met her in person she stole the rest of my heart.  Through all the challenges we went through adjusting to our new family, I never once had a problem loving her.  Yes, I would get frustrated, but I never didn't feel love.  I was smitten.

That's why it did take me by surprise last month when something inside me changed.  I'm ashamed to say it, but I just could not stand the girl.  Everything she did bothered me.  I thought I would snap if she laughed in my face one more time.  If she ran away when I tried to hug her.  If she yelled at me for trying to help her.  I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her.  For the first time since I had known her, I didn't feel love.  I tried but the feelings just weren't there.  And that scared me.   

Why do I share this?  I don't really know.  To show that it's not all sunshine and roses I guess.  Older child adoption is hard.  Hard for the child.  Hard for the family.  Hard for me.  Despite how much you prepare, how much you love, how much you want it.  The reality is that it's hard and love doesn't always feel like it's there.  And that's okay.  Because [in my experience] the feelings always find their way back.

I am currently smitten with my sister one again.  I can't get enough of her.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
-The Bible


  1. Thank you for being so honest. I have struggled in the past with this as well, and it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. :)

  2. Ethan is going through a faze right now where he is just being a mean , not obeying when he knows he is supposed to , hitting , slapping, pulling hair etc.... anyways I know just how you feel , somedays he is just a cuddle bug then the next day he is a bear. It hurts to see what the orphanages did to the kids. We have no idea what happened to him. They said it was one of the "good " orphanages but he was less ( maybe ) 20 pounds. It hurt to see that he was in 9 month clothing . It was sad that he was the "worst" kid of the orphanage. But he is no almost as good as new. He still has those "fazes" but he still is lovable EVEN though he drives me crazy!! Praying for you & G .
    <3 Victoria.

  3. Joanna, it's not always a bed or roses even in regular life without adoption. There are always ups and downs. It's just a part of life and nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure many people have felt like this at least a time or two about those they live with or those closest to them. It just can't be perfect all the time. If you were only speaking of perfect times I would have to wonder what's wrong here? What are you not telling us? But as you say we always find our way back to love. That's what family is all about. They help us learn to find our way back to love, otherwise we just might stay angry all the time, lol.

  4. Thanks for sharing this. I pray it helps many other people. What an amazing sister you are.

    PS: I was the same way about adoption when I was a kid. Now my little Havalah always plays her babies are adopted...and she's 3! Oh yeah baby!!!

  5. This sounds like it came from my own heart. I confess I'm struggling with this as well right now. It IS really hard, but I'm learning that it is SO worth it in the end. Thank you so much Joanna, for sharing your heart and thoughts.
    p.s. Feel free to email me if you need anything! Sounds like we are totally on the same page right now! <3


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