Nov 9, 2012

The nightmare that never ends

"I was back at the orphanage.  Back with my sweet girl.  Sitting on the bench under the trees.  I was content, she was content.  

But then a van drove up.  Two people in white coats climbed out the sides, their faces expressionless.  Neither smiling or frowning.  They started walking over to where I was sitting with Kanani.  I was holding her hand and rubbing her cheek when they reached us.  

I was so confused, "Why were these people here?  What did they want with my sweet girl?  They couldn't possibly be here to take her away, Could they?"  But they ignored me as they picked her up and started walking back towards the van.  Leaving me behind.  I was frantic and dread filled my body.  I felt sick as I realized what they were doing, where they were taking her.  

I knew they would be coming.  I knew that Kanani couldn't stay at the baby orphanage forever.  I knew that eventually she would be considered 'to old' for the baby orphanage and because of her special needs, she would be transferred to a mental institute.  A place where she would spend her days in a crib with little to no human interaction.  It's the fact of life for children born with special needs in her country.  But it wasn't right, they came to soon.  I hadn't had enough time to find her a mama yet.  

I pleaded with them running back and forth between them and the nannies, asking them to do something, anything.  To give me just a little more time.  That if they would just give me a week, or even a day, I would search the world for her family.  I would try harder.  "Please, just let me have a little more time."  But they weren't listening.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks as they ignored me and kept walking.  I was screaming at a brick wall.  And just like that, Kanani was in the van.  She was gone.  

My time had run out.  But worse then that, Kanani's time had run out."

Sometimes you have a dream that is so real, you can still remember the details months later.  This is one of those dreams.  A dream that makes me desperate for my sweet 4 year old girl all over again.  I can't forget her.  Even if I tried, this dream won't let me.  I'm at a loss as to how to help her, but I know I have do something.  Anything.  We raised her adoption grant fund to just over $2,000 earlier this fall (Thank you to everyone that helped!).  
But it's not enough.  Her time is running out.

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