Dear E.
Tonight is one of those nights where I can't think about anything besides you. You are never far from my thoughts, but sometimes you are all I can think of. You are all I can see when I close my eyes. All I can pretend to care about. I don't know what sets my mind running back to you. It seems random but I'm sure it's not. During church on Sunday all I could see was your face. All I could think about was how you feel in my arms. I only have eyes for you. I hope you know that.
Some days thinking of you freaks me out. Not because you scare me, not in the least. But I'm scared that your little heart thinks you have been abandoned. That you think I left you. Darling boy, that is the farthest thing from the truth. Putting you down for the last time, kissing you goodbye, was one of the hardest things I have done. I would give anything to have you, to be with you. You are so love. So wanted. Perfect. And thinking that maybe you don't know that scares me. I want you to know the truth. Always and forever.
I remember the first time I saw you. Waddling with your pants falling down. You were so little. I remember the first time I held you. It was not love at first sight, but you quickly grabbed my heart. And I fell madly in love. I remember taking you to the pool. Water dripping down your beautiful brown skin. I remember your 3rd birthday. Sneaking away from the other kids and picking out special stickers for your special day. I remember bringing you to church and singing under the palm trees. I remembering tucking you into bed every night and at naps. Hugs and kisses were a must. I have so many memories with you. I know you don't remember those specific events. But I want you to know that someone remembers you. Little details of your childhood are not forgotten.
I don't know what your future holds. I don't even know what my own future holds. I have been blessed with many moments with you. Loving you in person. But I can't be guaranteed any more moments in the future. Life is just unpredictable like that. But please know that I love you more than I can describe in words. No matter what happens in the future, you are being loved right now.
My sweet boy. I love you. Forever and always. Trusting God to lead us both forward in life.
**pictures from my last visit with E. February 2012. Almost a year ago.
2 comments:
Oh Joanna... you echo my feelings perfectly. Praying for you, I get how much it hurts. :(
Behind on my blog reading but just wanted to say, he knows. And so does God; and He's got that sweet boy of yours in the palm of His hands.
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