May 27, 2013

when you leave the orphanage, they are left crying

I don't know how to help people understand this problem. I want them to see, I want them to truly understand how horrifying it is.  How vast and heart breaking.  How real.  Real children.  Real babies.  The situation is real and I honestly don't understand how people can ignore it.  My brain literally cannot comprehend how people can act like it doesn't exist. 

In an orphanage there are many things that surround you as soon as you enter the gates. Children and babies being the main thing.  You play and cuddle and tickle and give kisses, all the time praying that you can give enough love and attention to remind their little hearts that they are loved.  You hear a wide variety of giggles and children playing around outside.  You feed and wash and dress.  There is a ton of poop and boogers and vomit. 

However, the hardest part for me is the crying.  Everywhere I turn I hear crying.

The everyday normal crying I can process.  The crying I can fix is livable.

But the crying I can't fix is unbearable.  The crying that is let loose when I walk away.  I think the reason it breaks my heart so much is because I don't want to walk away.  I want to stay.  I want to bring them with me.  When babies and children cry, they need to be comforted, there is a reason they are crying.  In an orphanage those cries are ignored and there is no one to comfort them, they are on their own.  I want to stay and comfort them, but I have to leave and they have to stay.  

The crying of one 14 month old when I put him down to leave for the day.  I look back and see him screaming reaching out his arms for me.  He will be left to spend the rest of the evening eating rocks, roughly fed and changed, and then dumped in his crib until the next morning. And I walk away.

The crying the skeleton of a baby cries when I put him down.  So tiny and pitiful.  But there is nothing I can do, I have to go.  I have to leave him in his tiny crib in the corner of a tiny dark room.  I doubt any one will check in on him again until supper. 

The screaming I hear from across the building.  As I walk past on my way out I see it's a new baby, alone in a crib with a rough IV in it's arm.  Screaming and burning up with fever.  I try to comfort it, but the screaming continues, all while it looks right into my eyes, not breaking eye contact for a second.  I have to leave, all I can do is say a prayer and blow some kisses.  The screaming intensifies as I walk away.  

I have to leave.  They are left behind.

Real children and babies.  And some days the injustice of it all makes me go mad.

This is why I am here.
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4 comments:

  1. Oh my oh my, this broke my heart just a little bit more just reading it. Every time I leave crying babies it breaks my heart into a million pieces <3 I'm a friend of Emma's so I found it through her :)

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  2. Oh Joanna, this is so hard. My heart breaks along with your just thinking about those cries. I'm so thankful for the difference you are able to make while you are there.

    I'll definitely be praying for you and the children as well as for more hearts to break enough to move out of their comfort zone and make a difference.

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  3. No words, Joanna. No words. :(

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  4. The cries are in my dreams every.single.night. Although we have adopted three times, my husband couldn't understand why I kept wanting to go back because he'd never been. Not once. Until this last time. And now he knows, because the cries are in his dreams too.

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